I hate being "typical" but I am once again, 150 lbs.
I haven't weighed this amount since I was a miserable married woman.
I can't figure what to do with the rest of my life... my home is a mess, my car is a mess.
I am taking a test I am completely unprepared for and while I have faint-heartedly attempted study, and in all fairness only since Wed. of this week with impending test only 3 full study days away, the means by which I am attempting and the nature of the method are ill suited to my ways of learning.
Not to mention i am completely uninspired.
I have no addictions, save perhaps food, and that may be an only when frustrated and/or bored issue. Hard to say, I've certainly slimmed down before, once with lots of help from the folks at Lindora, and twice entirely by my own devices.
I am too fat to phuque, and almost too fat to exercise.
I have, it seems, once again, cut off my own head.
How can I pull myself up out of this particular valley.
I am not interested in actually becoming an attorney.
I have so much more interest in teaching, and can not figure how I steered myself completely off course.
Now the question is, "will I be able to pick up those reins and begin fresh, yet again?"
My sis-in-law, an insightful if morose human being, stated that she dies again, and again, and I completely connect with this thought. I have no friends, no one who will really miss me when I go, save for my BF, and my two sons.
BF is a pretty incredible guy, a genius, and wonderfully observant and savvy to the state of being human, but not much of a "savior" if you get my drift. He was far more excited by me when I was at the top of my game, and delighted in my company, lusting after me physically, (and showing me off the way guys do when they are thrilled to have you on their arm).
But as I often lament, I wouldn't show me off why would I expect him to have a lower standard? He's sweet and asks why I'm knocking his girl, but we both know the situation is less than desirable.
Too, I feel as though I've cut out my vocal chords, that I've completely lost any opportunity to have a voice at all in the world.
And, then I consider Facebook, and Twitter, and all the blog sites out there, and realize we are, each of us, after leaving our mark, having our identity carry on and be acknowledged by our fellow beings as having been somehow significant, wherein I again wonder what it might feel like to be a simple, and quite tiny black ant.
