My sister's Birthday Present Part II

You weren't even a glimmer in my eye yet...
Ty was two, I was a big ol' 6.
We lived next door to Nana and Sweet in a quad-plex on Cloverdale between Olympic and Pico near La Brea.
I don't know how many times this happened, but I know it was more than once.
Saturday mornings I'd wake up, and wait, mostly quietly, for Ty to do the same, then he'd start bouncing in his crib.
He would bounce and bounce, and finally, Nana would creep into our room, and pick Ty up out of his bed, and
motion for me to come to her side, and I would race to embrace her around her legs, and then
the three of us would creep out of our apartment across the corridor to hers, to be met by Sweetie, singing in the kitchen.
It always felt like magic time. The TV was always on, and he'd be cooking bacon, and eggs, and toast, or sometimes
pancakes.
He'd serve them up to us while we'd sit on the floor with Mouton and watch Saturday morning "whatever was on".
They were joy. They were exciting. They were beautiful.
They loved us with big, warm hugs, and loud voices, and cheery greetings.
They made us think there was nothing else more important.
We were cute.
At some point we'd be returned to our parents.
Ty would nap.
I would play, quietly (sometimes).
But, I lived for those Saturday mornings, and to this day,
because of our Nana and Sweetie, and that Saturday morning ritual
I am never happier than when I am in the kitchen, on any morning - be it a holiday or weekend - making breakfast for those I love.

a statement of account

I didn't know I'd been "Swimming with Sharks", but I had been.
Now I am working on maintaining my self esteem, my sanity, my stuff.
Here's how it breaks down.
I have cute toes, I just took the time to attend to them.
Haven't done that since before the holidays, funny right, we always,
as women, put ourselves on the back burner,
and I've been really, really depressed.
Now my finger nails are colored as well.
My makeup is almost complete, my aunty used to say "I've put my 'face' on".
It's almost on.
These observations may sound completely random, crazy even, they aren't.
They are "stream of consciousness",
the thoughts that occur as I go about writing the rest of this particular post.
So, with that said, here are my additional attempts at "posting" today.
I cut my own hair today, out of boredom, the need to be creative, and a lack of funds.
It looks passable if I work on it with some product.
Fortunately I have a good face for crazy hairstyles, and the stomach for same.
Further, I have been working toward a specific set of goals in the job search department,
getting a specific number of good resume submissions out the door,
however, truth is I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
This is a problem. It really is.
Save, helpful.
What I want to be is helpful, and self sufficient.
If I can achieve self sufficient then I can be independent.
Independent is freedom to love my boys, and the man I love, the way I want to
without asking permission from anyone, including him.
And, we can only love people if they allow us to.
This was an interesting lesson to learn. Truly.
Back to what else I want... I want to be acknowledged as a participant,
and as a beacon of light and love to those I care deeply about.
I want a job that pays well enough.
I really have only ever wanted to just pay my puny bills,
and have a bit left over to buy treats that entertain.
It isn't so much to ask for, it isn't alot to even strive for.
Well, now I want medical insurance, or at least enough in the funds department to
pay for any necessary medical procedures, chiropractic for instance, dental for another.
Maybe that's my trouble, I don't want "enough", haven't wanted enough,
and as I get a bit older each passing day, I find I actually need more.
I guess I'm not ambitious enough for the mainstream, Macro culture,
that is Los Angeles, California, or even the western United States of America,
and let alone the family that once was.
However, here I sit, typing. I am going to continue.
And, I am going to keep on. That's what I am going to do.

critical mass now achieved

it is time to attend to the me that has gone into hiding, and needs to come back out and face the music.
it is time to care properly for, resurrect, nurture and nourish the wee me, that longs to be...

wowzie!

so here it goes... trying to live my life. One day at a time, trying to keep it interesting not just for me, tho' I guess in the end that's who it should be for, but also for those around me, my love, my sons... I read other people's lives and they seem so much "more" than mine. So much more worth it, so much more interesting, so much more satisfying, so much more scary, you name it their's seems so much "MORE". And, yet mine is awesome... I have two amazing sons, they are, you have no idea. Their drama's are nuttin' honey, they are smart, kind, cute, caring, all a mum could want from one son, and I've got two like that - KRIPES! and the love of my life is "a once in a lifetime event" and that suggests [as my youngest noted] that everyone will encounter as I have a being like him, and they won't, because he IS that amazing... and I am not. And, so I have guilt, what'd I do to deserve these amazing beings? "nuttin' honey" absolutely nuttin', and I feel guilty about that. I feel like I "should" be doing something amazing to justify the incredible good fortune which I actually and currently enjoy. Yet, here I sit... noting that, in fact, I simply exist, and fortunately am aware enough, conscious enough to know just exactly how fortunate I actually am...