a statement of account

I didn't know I'd been "Swimming with Sharks", but I had been.
Now I am working on maintaining my self esteem, my sanity, my stuff.
Here's how it breaks down.
I have cute toes, I just took the time to attend to them.
Haven't done that since before the holidays, funny right, we always,
as women, put ourselves on the back burner,
and I've been really, really depressed.
Now my finger nails are colored as well.
My makeup is almost complete, my aunty used to say "I've put my 'face' on".
It's almost on.
These observations may sound completely random, crazy even, they aren't.
They are "stream of consciousness",
the thoughts that occur as I go about writing the rest of this particular post.
So, with that said, here are my additional attempts at "posting" today.
I cut my own hair today, out of boredom, the need to be creative, and a lack of funds.
It looks passable if I work on it with some product.
Fortunately I have a good face for crazy hairstyles, and the stomach for same.
Further, I have been working toward a specific set of goals in the job search department,
getting a specific number of good resume submissions out the door,
however, truth is I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
This is a problem. It really is.
Save, helpful.
What I want to be is helpful, and self sufficient.
If I can achieve self sufficient then I can be independent.
Independent is freedom to love my boys, and the man I love, the way I want to
without asking permission from anyone, including him.
And, we can only love people if they allow us to.
This was an interesting lesson to learn. Truly.
Back to what else I want... I want to be acknowledged as a participant,
and as a beacon of light and love to those I care deeply about.
I want a job that pays well enough.
I really have only ever wanted to just pay my puny bills,
and have a bit left over to buy treats that entertain.
It isn't so much to ask for, it isn't alot to even strive for.
Well, now I want medical insurance, or at least enough in the funds department to
pay for any necessary medical procedures, chiropractic for instance, dental for another.
Maybe that's my trouble, I don't want "enough", haven't wanted enough,
and as I get a bit older each passing day, I find I actually need more.
I guess I'm not ambitious enough for the mainstream, Macro culture,
that is Los Angeles, California, or even the western United States of America,
and let alone the family that once was.
However, here I sit, typing. I am going to continue.
And, I am going to keep on. That's what I am going to do.