Not really for reading - ever.

I do not know how to close this out. How to keep it private. I simply need a place to put my thoughts.
I'd prefer that nobody I know ever read them. I do not care if someone I do not know reads through, because in that case my thoughts are distant and unattached from the reader, and therefore can do no harm. My intent is to never do harm.
But Nik has said I am poison, and I am beginning to agree with him. I am starting to feel poisonous. Rank, rotting, and deteriorating.
If I put these thoughts here in my blog, then I do not have to worry about organizing my notebooks, or sorting or losing or having them go up in smoke. If I place my thoughts here, they do not have to be moved... or do they? perhaps at some point.

I have failed my sons. Completely. I thought I would be setting a different path and providing alternative ways of being of experiencing life and love. But the home I have instead provided, is depressed and disorganized, melancholy, and sorrowful.
It is not full of joy. It is not full of hope. It is a sad and sorry place.

I do not blame John for leaving us, I want to flee as well.

I do not know how to fix it, I do not know how to fix me. Now the IRS is "auditing" me to determine my actual Head of Household status. Can I actually "claim" that status. I do not know if the SP turned them on me. I would not put it past him, and of course, it is curiously incidental that at the very time I ask him to afford me the ability to continue to claim John, that when I tell him I could then go to court, that all of a sudden the IRS "audits" me, and John determines to go and live with his father. Now, with his decision to make his home elsewhere, I will forever lose Head of Household status.

Fortunately I completely qualified in '08, but now that John is going to live with his father, I will never again qualify.

I can't seem to catch a break, and end up only more and more broke and broken. I am uninspired in my job. I have lost my enthusiasm, well, in fairness this time 'round that flame was stamped out, trod roughly over and certainly no where near fanned, or protected.

I am tired, I am done. I do not know how to proceed. I know I am supposed to "keep going" but I have lost my zest, my vigor, my dreams, my hopes, my fancies.

I really do not know where to go nor do I know what to do. Nor to whom I can turn without simply sucking the life from them. I despair, and have no idea how I might proceed. That is my dilemma. Is this "mid-life" crisis? I do not know.