...the New Year approaches, and I have to ask "what is to become of me this year?"
I enter it with great pain, both emotionally and physically. I do not know how I will proceed.
I may chronicle it here, I may choose to only remember my sons and their most amazing childhood personalities, as discovered and revealed by them to me... we shall see...
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Life IS Beautiful
...no, truly, and tho' there is heart ache, and heart break, still I have so much great fortune in my life.
Gifted with two sons who each in their own way are positively spectacular!
Both poets, each with their own voice, and so very magnificent those voices are.
It matters not that they be published or no; it doesn't alter their talents for putting words to the page in such a way that what they write creates the visual pictures, the metaphors, the emotions that those words are intended to spark, enflame, and feed.
What matters is that they never stop, that they continue creating, expressing and sharing that which they provide to us their fellows on this planet to further enhance our mutual experience of the day to day.
That's all, save I am regularly moved to tears by their magnificence. By my fortune at having the privilege of calling them my sons, though the time has come that they become "our" sons, and enter into the broader community to enliven, enrich, contribute and participate in the "bigger" schema of this moment, and this one...
Gifted with two sons who each in their own way are positively spectacular!
Both poets, each with their own voice, and so very magnificent those voices are.
It matters not that they be published or no; it doesn't alter their talents for putting words to the page in such a way that what they write creates the visual pictures, the metaphors, the emotions that those words are intended to spark, enflame, and feed.
What matters is that they never stop, that they continue creating, expressing and sharing that which they provide to us their fellows on this planet to further enhance our mutual experience of the day to day.
That's all, save I am regularly moved to tears by their magnificence. By my fortune at having the privilege of calling them my sons, though the time has come that they become "our" sons, and enter into the broader community to enliven, enrich, contribute and participate in the "bigger" schema of this moment, and this one...
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Sin [by me]
Two writ down, it's 10 a.m.
and I'm not writing with my pen,
I am typing these words down,
with a tippy tapping sound.
This one here's now just for me,
written here for you to see,
I write because there's naught to say,
on this and any other day.
Life's a gimble, gamble, wabe,
I might rant, and sometimes rave,
but what's at stake is me and so,
I sit quiet, waiting fo'...
the next new movement to begin,
an'thin' else I hear'd be sin..
TM (c) 2009, Nov. 17
and I'm not writing with my pen,
I am typing these words down,
with a tippy tapping sound.
This one here's now just for me,
written here for you to see,
I write because there's naught to say,
on this and any other day.
Life's a gimble, gamble, wabe,
I might rant, and sometimes rave,
but what's at stake is me and so,
I sit quiet, waiting fo'...
the next new movement to begin,
an'thin' else I hear'd be sin..
TM (c) 2009, Nov. 17
Friday, November 13, 2009
like Dug the Dog...
I like people, immediately. I meet them, or even just see them at the store, in a coffee shop, walking down the street, very few actually oog me out, very few scare me. I do find that there are those with whom I would not pursue a friendship, but mostly I am intrigued and almost immediately entranced to some degree.
I fall in love with their little idiosyncracies... what makes them themselves, unique, different from others, be it several moles on a waitresses very pretty face, on the side of her nose, on her cheek and above her lip and on her forehead, or a lisp or stutter, or the crinkles around that man's eyes showing decades of smiling... Too, I can be completely taken with their thought processes, their world views, their approach to life - I can't help it, I just do.
I am always and immediately surprised when I am met with another's dislike... I am always completely shocked and taken aback when I encounter another's meaney demonstrations.
I am always out to "make a friend" and when that is thrown back in my face, I am always surprised. And, then, of course, I am hurt sometimes traumatically, sometimes just for that moment. I do not believe this is sociopathic behavior on my part... but it continues to be unnerving, the need to negate friendship that I experience from others.
Yet, I have few "real" friends, people whom I fully trust to "know", people whom I can turn to in a time of need, or sorrow.
They exist, but I find that now at this point in my life, I'd rather simply occur as light and bright to them. As aspects of joy and fun, so the circle of "support" becomes ever smaller.
What is enlightenment? Knowing that nothing actually matters, save our own experience and opinion of this? And, that the experience and opinions of others can only ultimately matter, effect, affect and make a difference to them?
This life is like a dream and as such I have no idea where to turn next, nor what I shall next do.
How will I continue to feed myself, keep a roof over my head, change the world, care for my loved ones, or even interact with them? I am so very ....
I fall in love with their little idiosyncracies... what makes them themselves, unique, different from others, be it several moles on a waitresses very pretty face, on the side of her nose, on her cheek and above her lip and on her forehead, or a lisp or stutter, or the crinkles around that man's eyes showing decades of smiling... Too, I can be completely taken with their thought processes, their world views, their approach to life - I can't help it, I just do.
I am always and immediately surprised when I am met with another's dislike... I am always completely shocked and taken aback when I encounter another's meaney demonstrations.
I am always out to "make a friend" and when that is thrown back in my face, I am always surprised. And, then, of course, I am hurt sometimes traumatically, sometimes just for that moment. I do not believe this is sociopathic behavior on my part... but it continues to be unnerving, the need to negate friendship that I experience from others.
Yet, I have few "real" friends, people whom I fully trust to "know", people whom I can turn to in a time of need, or sorrow.
They exist, but I find that now at this point in my life, I'd rather simply occur as light and bright to them. As aspects of joy and fun, so the circle of "support" becomes ever smaller.
What is enlightenment? Knowing that nothing actually matters, save our own experience and opinion of this? And, that the experience and opinions of others can only ultimately matter, effect, affect and make a difference to them?
This life is like a dream and as such I have no idea where to turn next, nor what I shall next do.
How will I continue to feed myself, keep a roof over my head, change the world, care for my loved ones, or even interact with them? I am so very ....
Friday, October 16, 2009
Rodin's
Ugolino - know him? did he have remorse? was he a good parent?
Would he and Medea have made beautiful babies together? juicy, tender, and tasty, too!
I'm thinking... Not so much, but what do you think?
This blog, not meant really for anyone's eyes, may die that quiet death of blog sites having gone unread for weeks and then months...
and, yet... I write, it is my voice the place where in I really reside. Good luck with that Ugo, you've chosen so very poorly, again, and finally.
In the meantime, those are my thoughts and queries for the day.
Would he and Medea have made beautiful babies together? juicy, tender, and tasty, too!
I'm thinking... Not so much, but what do you think?
This blog, not meant really for anyone's eyes, may die that quiet death of blog sites having gone unread for weeks and then months...
and, yet... I write, it is my voice the place where in I really reside. Good luck with that Ugo, you've chosen so very poorly, again, and finally.
In the meantime, those are my thoughts and queries for the day.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
there I go again...
My heart resides outside my body, split amongst many.
Large and small chunks walk around doing things daily I will miss...
this is life,
I reside elsewhere,
following dreams I did not know I had,
thinking thoughts that may never be shared,
and living life...
outside of myself.
Large and small chunks walk around doing things daily I will miss...
this is life,
I reside elsewhere,
following dreams I did not know I had,
thinking thoughts that may never be shared,
and living life...
outside of myself.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Dreams disturbing
I can't fathom it... I've never had the extremely "real" dreams I am now experiencing. Rather like the conversation had in the play The Rabbit Hole, and a bit like the time traveling done in Slaughterhouse Five - I've had in the last week and a day, two very real dreams, one that woke me last Saturday a.m. or rather one i woke to, and another this evening after an early evening's nap.
Last week I was awakened to my love entering my room, and quietly taking off his clothes to climb into bed with me, and i thought to myself, "OMG he's home! he's home!" (he's been in Tokyo for 2 weeks and extended to a 3rd week, after having just spent 5 there less than a mo. ago) and then I tho't "how'd I miss the message to pick him up from the airport?" and then because I was so happy that he'd come home early and because I couldn't wait to lay eyes on him, I opened mine. And, he wasn't there. And, i burst into tears, because it had all been a dream, a dream so real that I then tho't something must've happened to him and I must've had a visitation, so I quickly got on the e-mail and begged him to make immediate contact, which he sweetly did, assuring me he was alright, and it took me a few more hours to quiet my nerves and my heart over the experience.
This evening was just as real, I had fallen asleep sprawled on my youngest son's bed while watching the tale end of a movie, the "menu" was now repeating itself over and over, and I heard both my love and my eldest son enter the apartment, walk over to check on me, go in and out of the front door carrying in their things, and commenting on my napping self. This time I had a bit of a headache, and I was waiting for my love to bend over and kiss me or something, but then they both kinda left the room to go about their business, son in his room, love putting brief case away, and I woke up and went to find them, and they were of course not here, neither had come home, one still in Japan the other leaving in less than 3 days.
The mind plays tricks of time and space, and perhaps there is a parallel universe where a more contented me gets to make pancakes for those guys she loves so dearly for many more mornings to come. Where she gets to set the table for dinner, and vacation with them and doesn't have to say g'bye for interminable periods of agonizing time.
Now there's a thought.
Last week I was awakened to my love entering my room, and quietly taking off his clothes to climb into bed with me, and i thought to myself, "OMG he's home! he's home!" (he's been in Tokyo for 2 weeks and extended to a 3rd week, after having just spent 5 there less than a mo. ago) and then I tho't "how'd I miss the message to pick him up from the airport?" and then because I was so happy that he'd come home early and because I couldn't wait to lay eyes on him, I opened mine. And, he wasn't there. And, i burst into tears, because it had all been a dream, a dream so real that I then tho't something must've happened to him and I must've had a visitation, so I quickly got on the e-mail and begged him to make immediate contact, which he sweetly did, assuring me he was alright, and it took me a few more hours to quiet my nerves and my heart over the experience.
This evening was just as real, I had fallen asleep sprawled on my youngest son's bed while watching the tale end of a movie, the "menu" was now repeating itself over and over, and I heard both my love and my eldest son enter the apartment, walk over to check on me, go in and out of the front door carrying in their things, and commenting on my napping self. This time I had a bit of a headache, and I was waiting for my love to bend over and kiss me or something, but then they both kinda left the room to go about their business, son in his room, love putting brief case away, and I woke up and went to find them, and they were of course not here, neither had come home, one still in Japan the other leaving in less than 3 days.
The mind plays tricks of time and space, and perhaps there is a parallel universe where a more contented me gets to make pancakes for those guys she loves so dearly for many more mornings to come. Where she gets to set the table for dinner, and vacation with them and doesn't have to say g'bye for interminable periods of agonizing time.
Now there's a thought.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
"Alone" quotes.
Buddha
All things appear and disappear because of the concurrence of causes and conditions. Nothing ever exists entirely alone; everything is in relation to everything else.
Henry David Thoreau
I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.
Ann Landers
It is far better to be alone than to wish you were.
Marilyn Monroe
I restore myself when I'm alone.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone.
Jean de la Bruyere
All of our unhappiness comes from our inability to be alone.
Helen Keller
Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.
Wayne Dyer
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with.
Mother Teresa
Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person.
Maya Angelou
We allow our ignorance to prevail upon us and make us think we can survive alone, alone in patches, alone in groups, alone in races, even alone in genders.
Marilyn Monroe
It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone -- so far.
Laurence Sterne
In solitude the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself.
Blaise Pascal
All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone.
James Dean
Being an actor is the loneliest thing in the world. You are all alone with your concentration and imagination, and that's all you have.
Martin Luther King Jr.
Every man must do two things alone; he must do his own believing and his own dying.
George Washington
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Marilyn Monroe
It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone.
Dr. Seuss
All alone!Whether you like it or not, alone is something you'll be quite a lot.
Chanakya
A man is born alone and dies alone; and he experiences the good and bad consequences of his karma alone; and he goes alone to hell or the Supreme abode.
Dalai Lama
Spend some time alone every day.
All things appear and disappear because of the concurrence of causes and conditions. Nothing ever exists entirely alone; everything is in relation to everything else.
Henry David Thoreau
I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.
Ann Landers
It is far better to be alone than to wish you were.
Marilyn Monroe
I restore myself when I'm alone.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone.
Jean de la Bruyere
All of our unhappiness comes from our inability to be alone.
Helen Keller
Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.
Wayne Dyer
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with.
Mother Teresa
Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person.
Maya Angelou
We allow our ignorance to prevail upon us and make us think we can survive alone, alone in patches, alone in groups, alone in races, even alone in genders.
Marilyn Monroe
It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone -- so far.
Laurence Sterne
In solitude the mind gains strength and learns to lean upon itself.
Blaise Pascal
All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone.
James Dean
Being an actor is the loneliest thing in the world. You are all alone with your concentration and imagination, and that's all you have.
Martin Luther King Jr.
Every man must do two things alone; he must do his own believing and his own dying.
George Washington
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Marilyn Monroe
It's often just enough to be with someone. I don't need to touch them. Not even talk. A feeling passes between you both. You're not alone.
Dr. Seuss
All alone!Whether you like it or not, alone is something you'll be quite a lot.
Chanakya
A man is born alone and dies alone; and he experiences the good and bad consequences of his karma alone; and he goes alone to hell or the Supreme abode.
Dalai Lama
Spend some time alone every day.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Throw-away Child
The throw-away child,
One who shouldn’t have been…
The one who’s all wrong,
… so let’s do it again.
The one who loves Jesus,
she has to you see,
no one else watches over,
never you, and not me.
She’s too much damn trouble
Our life’s bubble, it’s small -
we haven’t the room,
that damn order’s too tall.
She isn’t our worry,
she isn’t our care.
God’s watching over,
so hush now, don’t stare…
Doesn’t matter she’s dying,
out there all alone,
while we’re’ snuggled up toasty,
in our comfy home.
We can’t lift a finger,
it’s too late for her,
should be ‘miracle time”
if ever there were…
We’ve worked hard for our comforts,
… what has she done for me?
We’ll settle in nicely,
with our evening’s TV.
Let’s turn our sweet cheek,
Shutting tight open eyes,
don’t listen to stories,
they’re only her lies.
She prob’ly deserves it.
She’s a spend thrift for sure,
so what if it’s cancer?
I pray for a cure.
I don’t want to listen,
I’ve got probs of my own.
Oh, sit still and be quiet,
while my heart turns to stone.
© 2009 TMarguerite
One who shouldn’t have been…
The one who’s all wrong,
… so let’s do it again.
The one who loves Jesus,
she has to you see,
no one else watches over,
never you, and not me.
She’s too much damn trouble
Our life’s bubble, it’s small -
we haven’t the room,
that damn order’s too tall.
She isn’t our worry,
she isn’t our care.
God’s watching over,
so hush now, don’t stare…
Doesn’t matter she’s dying,
out there all alone,
while we’re’ snuggled up toasty,
in our comfy home.
We can’t lift a finger,
it’s too late for her,
should be ‘miracle time”
if ever there were…
We’ve worked hard for our comforts,
… what has she done for me?
We’ll settle in nicely,
with our evening’s TV.
Let’s turn our sweet cheek,
Shutting tight open eyes,
don’t listen to stories,
they’re only her lies.
She prob’ly deserves it.
She’s a spend thrift for sure,
so what if it’s cancer?
I pray for a cure.
I don’t want to listen,
I’ve got probs of my own.
Oh, sit still and be quiet,
while my heart turns to stone.
© 2009 TMarguerite
Saturday, August 15, 2009
the order of things
I have to be in a very "strong" place to do what I am doing today, which is basically turning my living space upside down.
It causes one to "take stock" of where one is at in life. Photographs, memorabilia (like movie tickets), baby blankets, BB's rolling around underfoot (still) and other odd knick-knacks suddenly rear up and hit you in the face like a baseball bat being swung by the likes of Babe Ruth. (Nope, not old enough to actually even remember what the guy looked like, but still he's an iconic baseball name so I will keep it as a reference.)
I had a plan, once. My plan failed. I failed. Having a plan and executing the same wisely are two entirely different balls of wax. I had the one but had not been trained, nor counseled, nor schooled in the other.
Now I am older, hopefully a tad bit wiser, though we could likely argue that and I look around and wonder, what next...
My youngest has moved in with his father. I am not being overly dramatic when I tell you that this event has broken my heart (it's getting very used to a regular and constant battering, yeah, welcome to parenthood and life in general [sometimes]).
I have always been acutely aware that my children were to grow up and go have lives of their own. That is the end result of good parenting... but, this particular event came after promises made that it never would (and I don't believe I solicited those promises, but I may've) and this event has come three years, too early, again according to "my plan", he is only 16 and only a sophomore, and I should get to have him for his last three years of high school, and then he can go off and live his life starting at college. But, as I said, mine is a failed plan.
As a result my apartment has been the recipient of a very inclusive overhaul. I have been "cleaning"... and crying. Last weekend my eyes were so puffy I looked "exotic". Today I found baby blankets, and a bag of "saved for more than a decade" artwork and it occurred to me, this time quite clearly, that I had always expected to have another child, and that this was now no longer a possibility, (trust me on this one... I look quite young [for my age] but child bearing is sadly behind me now).
So, I've been "moving in" to my apartment. I know it sounds odd, my youngest just moved out.
I had been hoping to... make a home at some point. I haven't been successful at doing so since the house we inhabited on Viscanio. Moving from that little bungalow, and it was teensy tiny and very, very small, also broke my heart. I knew it was the "end of an era". And, now because my youngest has moved out, I am moving in to this apartment. Mind you I''ve, we've been living here for at least five years, and of late I had been shopping for something bigger. But it turns out the cost of this one is mostly comparable. And, moving is quite expensive.
But, back to the point, I am now moving in. Tossing unwanted stuff. Tidying, shredding old papers... letting go... of hopes, dreams, illusions, desires, details. You name it I'm letting it go... and I'm still crying. I know and have always known that when my children go out into the world and live there on their own, away from me, that I will miss them... daily, constantly, and enormously. You see I like them, I adore them, I admire them. I think they are neato-keen, cool people. And, I know, I have always known, that they must do this. They must go and be themselves.
I will always hope that they will come and visit, and hang out, and linger, often. And, I will hope and strive to be someone they can feel similarly about. Then, perhaps, my plan will have been a success after all.
It causes one to "take stock" of where one is at in life. Photographs, memorabilia (like movie tickets), baby blankets, BB's rolling around underfoot (still) and other odd knick-knacks suddenly rear up and hit you in the face like a baseball bat being swung by the likes of Babe Ruth. (Nope, not old enough to actually even remember what the guy looked like, but still he's an iconic baseball name so I will keep it as a reference.)
I had a plan, once. My plan failed. I failed. Having a plan and executing the same wisely are two entirely different balls of wax. I had the one but had not been trained, nor counseled, nor schooled in the other.
Now I am older, hopefully a tad bit wiser, though we could likely argue that and I look around and wonder, what next...
My youngest has moved in with his father. I am not being overly dramatic when I tell you that this event has broken my heart (it's getting very used to a regular and constant battering, yeah, welcome to parenthood and life in general [sometimes]).
I have always been acutely aware that my children were to grow up and go have lives of their own. That is the end result of good parenting... but, this particular event came after promises made that it never would (and I don't believe I solicited those promises, but I may've) and this event has come three years, too early, again according to "my plan", he is only 16 and only a sophomore, and I should get to have him for his last three years of high school, and then he can go off and live his life starting at college. But, as I said, mine is a failed plan.
As a result my apartment has been the recipient of a very inclusive overhaul. I have been "cleaning"... and crying. Last weekend my eyes were so puffy I looked "exotic". Today I found baby blankets, and a bag of "saved for more than a decade" artwork and it occurred to me, this time quite clearly, that I had always expected to have another child, and that this was now no longer a possibility, (trust me on this one... I look quite young [for my age] but child bearing is sadly behind me now).
So, I've been "moving in" to my apartment. I know it sounds odd, my youngest just moved out.
I had been hoping to... make a home at some point. I haven't been successful at doing so since the house we inhabited on Viscanio. Moving from that little bungalow, and it was teensy tiny and very, very small, also broke my heart. I knew it was the "end of an era". And, now because my youngest has moved out, I am moving in to this apartment. Mind you I''ve, we've been living here for at least five years, and of late I had been shopping for something bigger. But it turns out the cost of this one is mostly comparable. And, moving is quite expensive.
But, back to the point, I am now moving in. Tossing unwanted stuff. Tidying, shredding old papers... letting go... of hopes, dreams, illusions, desires, details. You name it I'm letting it go... and I'm still crying. I know and have always known that when my children go out into the world and live there on their own, away from me, that I will miss them... daily, constantly, and enormously. You see I like them, I adore them, I admire them. I think they are neato-keen, cool people. And, I know, I have always known, that they must do this. They must go and be themselves.
I will always hope that they will come and visit, and hang out, and linger, often. And, I will hope and strive to be someone they can feel similarly about. Then, perhaps, my plan will have been a success after all.
Friday, August 14, 2009
sunny side o' the street, but bring your umbrella
It's funny, I am naturally a "sunny" personality.
You'd never know it to read what I've entered into this thus far piece of life living bliss, but I do not lie when I tell you that "Miss Mary Sunshine" was a moniker hung upon my being some years back by a before her time "gothette" who shall herein go unnamed... but I will say this, the years have dimmed my unusually sunny disposition, as have those who have stared me down, working to diminish my zest for life, and I know you'll say "don't give them the power" but y'know I am only human, and actually a sensitive one, the degree I'll leave for you to decide.
Tonight, through a film, I met a kindred spirit, at least as Meryl Streep has presented her, me and Ms. Childs have alot in common... for one thing her love of food, is rather like my love of, well, those I love. My Rrrrrrllll, my boyzes... and those many others for whom I would get what I call my "fits" or my "must see" moments, i.e. when my sister was small and therefore had no real "life" of her own, I could call on her at my mother's house at will and on whim.... I would suddenly realize that I missed her terribly and I would call my mother and say "I am having a 'sisa fit, can I come take her to Chucky Cheese for the afternoon?" rarely would my mum say "no" and so the "need" to see my wee sister would be satisfied. But, I relish time with those I love exactly the way Julia seems to have. And, when they break my heart, I am inconsolable.
Still, I love people and those I love best, I remain fascinated by.
You'd never know it to read what I've entered into this thus far piece of life living bliss, but I do not lie when I tell you that "Miss Mary Sunshine" was a moniker hung upon my being some years back by a before her time "gothette" who shall herein go unnamed... but I will say this, the years have dimmed my unusually sunny disposition, as have those who have stared me down, working to diminish my zest for life, and I know you'll say "don't give them the power" but y'know I am only human, and actually a sensitive one, the degree I'll leave for you to decide.
Tonight, through a film, I met a kindred spirit, at least as Meryl Streep has presented her, me and Ms. Childs have alot in common... for one thing her love of food, is rather like my love of, well, those I love. My Rrrrrrllll, my boyzes... and those many others for whom I would get what I call my "fits" or my "must see" moments, i.e. when my sister was small and therefore had no real "life" of her own, I could call on her at my mother's house at will and on whim.... I would suddenly realize that I missed her terribly and I would call my mother and say "I am having a 'sisa fit, can I come take her to Chucky Cheese for the afternoon?" rarely would my mum say "no" and so the "need" to see my wee sister would be satisfied. But, I relish time with those I love exactly the way Julia seems to have. And, when they break my heart, I am inconsolable.
Still, I love people and those I love best, I remain fascinated by.
Monday, August 3, 2009
might as well be mine own...
Misfortunate event's will soon brew in your life. a misunderstanding or a violent passion will start to tear apart your love life, or relations with a loved one. A loss of balance in a relationship will occur. Love is turning bad, unless you adhere to the warning's and find the appending problem.
Not really for reading - ever.
I do not know how to close this out. How to keep it private. I simply need a place to put my thoughts.
I'd prefer that nobody I know ever read them. I do not care if someone I do not know reads through, because in that case my thoughts are distant and unattached from the reader, and therefore can do no harm. My intent is to never do harm.
But Nik has said I am poison, and I am beginning to agree with him. I am starting to feel poisonous. Rank, rotting, and deteriorating.
If I put these thoughts here in my blog, then I do not have to worry about organizing my notebooks, or sorting or losing or having them go up in smoke. If I place my thoughts here, they do not have to be moved... or do they? perhaps at some point.
I have failed my sons. Completely. I thought I would be setting a different path and providing alternative ways of being of experiencing life and love. But the home I have instead provided, is depressed and disorganized, melancholy, and sorrowful.
It is not full of joy. It is not full of hope. It is a sad and sorry place.
I do not blame John for leaving us, I want to flee as well.
I do not know how to fix it, I do not know how to fix me. Now the IRS is "auditing" me to determine my actual Head of Household status. Can I actually "claim" that status. I do not know if the SP turned them on me. I would not put it past him, and of course, it is curiously incidental that at the very time I ask him to afford me the ability to continue to claim John, that when I tell him I could then go to court, that all of a sudden the IRS "audits" me, and John determines to go and live with his father. Now, with his decision to make his home elsewhere, I will forever lose Head of Household status.
Fortunately I completely qualified in '08, but now that John is going to live with his father, I will never again qualify.
I can't seem to catch a break, and end up only more and more broke and broken. I am uninspired in my job. I have lost my enthusiasm, well, in fairness this time 'round that flame was stamped out, trod roughly over and certainly no where near fanned, or protected.
I am tired, I am done. I do not know how to proceed. I know I am supposed to "keep going" but I have lost my zest, my vigor, my dreams, my hopes, my fancies.
I really do not know where to go nor do I know what to do. Nor to whom I can turn without simply sucking the life from them. I despair, and have no idea how I might proceed. That is my dilemma. Is this "mid-life" crisis? I do not know.
I'd prefer that nobody I know ever read them. I do not care if someone I do not know reads through, because in that case my thoughts are distant and unattached from the reader, and therefore can do no harm. My intent is to never do harm.
But Nik has said I am poison, and I am beginning to agree with him. I am starting to feel poisonous. Rank, rotting, and deteriorating.
If I put these thoughts here in my blog, then I do not have to worry about organizing my notebooks, or sorting or losing or having them go up in smoke. If I place my thoughts here, they do not have to be moved... or do they? perhaps at some point.
I have failed my sons. Completely. I thought I would be setting a different path and providing alternative ways of being of experiencing life and love. But the home I have instead provided, is depressed and disorganized, melancholy, and sorrowful.
It is not full of joy. It is not full of hope. It is a sad and sorry place.
I do not blame John for leaving us, I want to flee as well.
I do not know how to fix it, I do not know how to fix me. Now the IRS is "auditing" me to determine my actual Head of Household status. Can I actually "claim" that status. I do not know if the SP turned them on me. I would not put it past him, and of course, it is curiously incidental that at the very time I ask him to afford me the ability to continue to claim John, that when I tell him I could then go to court, that all of a sudden the IRS "audits" me, and John determines to go and live with his father. Now, with his decision to make his home elsewhere, I will forever lose Head of Household status.
Fortunately I completely qualified in '08, but now that John is going to live with his father, I will never again qualify.
I can't seem to catch a break, and end up only more and more broke and broken. I am uninspired in my job. I have lost my enthusiasm, well, in fairness this time 'round that flame was stamped out, trod roughly over and certainly no where near fanned, or protected.
I am tired, I am done. I do not know how to proceed. I know I am supposed to "keep going" but I have lost my zest, my vigor, my dreams, my hopes, my fancies.
I really do not know where to go nor do I know what to do. Nor to whom I can turn without simply sucking the life from them. I despair, and have no idea how I might proceed. That is my dilemma. Is this "mid-life" crisis? I do not know.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
on my own
that someone who keeps me tethered, centered, focused on the here, is gone away, far and many miles.
it will be weeks until i am able to again hold him.
last time he returned, it felt like we were strangers, and it took days to feel comfortable again, and maybe i never quite felt comfortable again.
so, i am taking time, this time to work on me.
no waiting by the computer-phone to iChat and hang on his every oz. of being.
this time I am trying to focus on others, and, on myself.
i do not know how that will turn out and what that will be like for him or for me.
i don't know if he will even actually miss my hanging on every oz. of his being, or if I will.
we will see, and time will tell.
it will be weeks until i am able to again hold him.
last time he returned, it felt like we were strangers, and it took days to feel comfortable again, and maybe i never quite felt comfortable again.
so, i am taking time, this time to work on me.
no waiting by the computer-phone to iChat and hang on his every oz. of being.
this time I am trying to focus on others, and, on myself.
i do not know how that will turn out and what that will be like for him or for me.
i don't know if he will even actually miss my hanging on every oz. of his being, or if I will.
we will see, and time will tell.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Crisis
I hate being "typical" but I am once again, 150 lbs.
I haven't weighed this amount since I was a miserable married woman.
I can't figure what to do with the rest of my life... my home is a mess, my car is a mess.
I am taking a test I am completely unprepared for and while I have faint-heartedly attempted study, and in all fairness only since Wed. of this week with impending test only 3 full study days away, the means by which I am attempting and the nature of the method are ill suited to my ways of learning.
Not to mention i am completely uninspired.
I have no addictions, save perhaps food, and that may be an only when frustrated and/or bored issue. Hard to say, I've certainly slimmed down before, once with lots of help from the folks at Lindora, and twice entirely by my own devices.
I am too fat to phuque, and almost too fat to exercise.
I have, it seems, once again, cut off my own head.
How can I pull myself up out of this particular valley.
I am not interested in actually becoming an attorney.
I have so much more interest in teaching, and can not figure how I steered myself completely off course.
Now the question is, "will I be able to pick up those reins and begin fresh, yet again?"
My sis-in-law, an insightful if morose human being, stated that she dies again, and again, and I completely connect with this thought. I have no friends, no one who will really miss me when I go, save for my BF, and my two sons.
BF is a pretty incredible guy, a genius, and wonderfully observant and savvy to the state of being human, but not much of a "savior" if you get my drift. He was far more excited by me when I was at the top of my game, and delighted in my company, lusting after me physically, (and showing me off the way guys do when they are thrilled to have you on their arm).
But as I often lament, I wouldn't show me off why would I expect him to have a lower standard? He's sweet and asks why I'm knocking his girl, but we both know the situation is less than desirable.
Too, I feel as though I've cut out my vocal chords, that I've completely lost any opportunity to have a voice at all in the world.
And, then I consider Facebook, and Twitter, and all the blog sites out there, and realize we are, each of us, after leaving our mark, having our identity carry on and be acknowledged by our fellow beings as having been somehow significant, wherein I again wonder what it might feel like to be a simple, and quite tiny black ant.
I haven't weighed this amount since I was a miserable married woman.
I can't figure what to do with the rest of my life... my home is a mess, my car is a mess.
I am taking a test I am completely unprepared for and while I have faint-heartedly attempted study, and in all fairness only since Wed. of this week with impending test only 3 full study days away, the means by which I am attempting and the nature of the method are ill suited to my ways of learning.
Not to mention i am completely uninspired.
I have no addictions, save perhaps food, and that may be an only when frustrated and/or bored issue. Hard to say, I've certainly slimmed down before, once with lots of help from the folks at Lindora, and twice entirely by my own devices.
I am too fat to phuque, and almost too fat to exercise.
I have, it seems, once again, cut off my own head.
How can I pull myself up out of this particular valley.
I am not interested in actually becoming an attorney.
I have so much more interest in teaching, and can not figure how I steered myself completely off course.
Now the question is, "will I be able to pick up those reins and begin fresh, yet again?"
My sis-in-law, an insightful if morose human being, stated that she dies again, and again, and I completely connect with this thought. I have no friends, no one who will really miss me when I go, save for my BF, and my two sons.
BF is a pretty incredible guy, a genius, and wonderfully observant and savvy to the state of being human, but not much of a "savior" if you get my drift. He was far more excited by me when I was at the top of my game, and delighted in my company, lusting after me physically, (and showing me off the way guys do when they are thrilled to have you on their arm).
But as I often lament, I wouldn't show me off why would I expect him to have a lower standard? He's sweet and asks why I'm knocking his girl, but we both know the situation is less than desirable.
Too, I feel as though I've cut out my vocal chords, that I've completely lost any opportunity to have a voice at all in the world.
And, then I consider Facebook, and Twitter, and all the blog sites out there, and realize we are, each of us, after leaving our mark, having our identity carry on and be acknowledged by our fellow beings as having been somehow significant, wherein I again wonder what it might feel like to be a simple, and quite tiny black ant.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
I've had a perfectly lovely evening, but
this wasn't it. I would completely consider suicide, IF it weren't for the children. I'd miss out on their exquisiteness. Even when they are behaving in a beastly fashion, I find them quite extraordinary. But if it weren't for them, I would leave this ridiculous event. LIFE, it's for mostly jerks, and the completely self-involved creeps who believe they are something MORE special than the rest of us. Each of us are precious. Each should be treasured. But there are those who can not see beyond their own noses. Who only see what is important to ONLY them. They do not see another's pain, nor their struggle. They only see what will benefit them or make them feel better about their own damn selves. I am tired of the inane crap. But maybe I am just lazy. Disinterested in keeping up with the Joneses or knowing I will never manage it, so why even try, 'sides Mr. Jones beats Ms. to a pulp, while the kids watch, or Ms. J drinks herself to a stupor while her H drives himself into other women, and the kids have no clue as to what it is the grups are ruining anyway. Ah life, aint it grand?
Friday, February 27, 2009
Trustee Trustor
how does one determine it? the intent to Trust, the action of trusting, the placement of same in the hands of another. All we have are our own observations, encounters, and experiences. And, mien gott, so few are really worthy of same. What does one do when every fiber is screaming something different from the decision to TRUST? Who can say...
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
dank dark & ugly
I apologize, I had not anticipated that this thing called "blog" would ever be read. I am a bit of a trog when it comes to how these things connect... and was using same for my dark tho'ts only one aspect of me & one I would not wish to heap on those I love.
Monday, February 23, 2009
it'z a vunder-fewl life...
Not suppose to be here, a mistaken "oops" that made it through the mess that is menstruation. Fertilized in a frenzy of legs and feet and now the darker side, creeps, around, circling, hiding in corners, and, of course, under the bed - everyone and everything held suspect of horrible crimes against... mostly mourning. No understanding of this world, placed in it, the point, the randomness of existence, totally lost, no guiding compass, futile focus with no direction to head towards, while wandering aimless and hoping that something will spark anew forgotten, farfetched, faraway dreams, which now seem to be ridiculous home-grown fodder. Wondering if this year will mark an end to the constant struggle it is to stay presently here in this space that is so completely feral and foreign. Necessity bears repeating. Need demands attention. Desperation despairs, and so it is written. Time will tell - all.
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